


Entries Left Behind

by EmmzyPlayz



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Crushes, Depression, Diary/Journal, Engagement, Gen, Love, Near Death Experiences, Observations, One Shot Collection, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-04-21 17:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22097173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmzyPlayz/pseuds/EmmzyPlayz
Summary: A collection of journal entries from my half-drow rogue; Keldar Dyrr.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

_ Dear Mother, _

_ It's been some time since I have been able to write to you. My journey away from Master Daemith has been a long one...and I hope by the Gods that you are well. If not, I have only myself to blame, and I wish they would punish me for bestowing cruel behavior upon my own mother. I am finally safe, mother...at least I pray that Master Daemith never find me here...lest I endanger even more people. I was helped by your own flesh and blood mother; humans. God if only you knew the ones I have been with...they're so intriguing, but a very fun bunch...albeit not all are human. _

_ The group I've come to be with is from a guild named Rev, and I think that they can finally create a world of peace and prosperity we've both longed for. Their leader is a young lad named Mason Crimwell...he is my Master. I bound myself to him, to serve him in his goal for I want him to succeed. His lot are quite an interesting bunch. There is a huge scaly creature...I think he is a descendant of the great drakes. Oh mother, how much you must be trembling hearing of such a beast, but fear not, he is as soft as a pillow. Why mother, I think he nearly killed me with the amount of food he stuffed inside me. I have never eaten so much, not even Master Daemith fed me that much food. _

_ There is also a man called Genesis...we don't speak often, and he is a bit intimidating, but I trust him with my life. He has protected me from something that would give you nightmares, mother. I shall spare you the details for I wish not to frighten you. Oh how you'd love him, mother. Perhaps you'd even manage to whip his heart into bleeding just a bit more kindness. Though, I'm certain Genesis means well and simply shows his version of love with his tougher and rougher take on it. Plus, I find it keeps Master Mason in check. _

_ How do I explain Master Mason to you, mother? He is...a handful. I've never had my hands so full with caring for a patron, mother. He has a heart of gold, but by the Gods is it difficult to keep him out of trouble. You'd think I'd have gray hair by now with how stressful he makes me, but thankfully my beautiful white remains. You'd love how long it has gotten mother, and I know you'd love Master Mason. He'd never get tired of your delicious cooking either I'm sure. He would eat you out of house and home if given the chance. Gods how he makes those tavern owners frett when he shows up. _

_ I have friends now too, mother...not just family. Master Mason blessed me with a group of people who are just as kind hearted and a handful as he himself. They're not all human either, mother. Valphie is the only female in our party, and by the Gods mother, you would love her. She is a beauty to behold, and her tongue albeit sharp sometimes, is helpful and the voice of reason and leadership in our very...chaotic group. Although she is a tiefling, and I know you were scared of them, I assure you, Valphie is the sweetest, sassiest one you will know. She might even sing you a tune. By the Gods mother, does her voice sound like an angel, though I'd never tell her that for fear it would go to her head. _

_ Another of our party is someone similar to Master Daemith in status. A nobility, but he is like me mother, another half-elf; Farfalla. You could imagine my interest in him, mother, but I shan't put my guard down around such a character. Though handsome, I am wary of him. Yet still, I care for him. He is in our group, and I swore to Master Mason to protect my party and my friends even if not binded. I have...had conversations with him...of the future and how unpredictable it is. He worries as I do. Yet, I've told him we can only try to do our best and take it one day at a time. For, who knows, perhaps one day we will be the ones who save the world...but...that's for fairytales and legends of heroes. _

_ The final member of our party is...a peculiar fellow. I think you'd be amused by him, mother...for he isn't human, nor elf, nor tiefling...he is a bird. A...crow I think to be exact. I know not much about him, his language quite broken and jumbled...quite hard to follow. You can imagine our struggles in finding his name is Whiff. Imagine being named after a sound...I thought I was mad when Valphie was asking him and all he could make was a sound. Though, I suppose who am I to judge? I am an abomination after all...not only a half-elf...but half-drow on top of it all...I blame you not mother. It was never your fault, and I thank you for bringing me into this world regardless of all I have been through. It allowed me to meet someone who I care a lot about. _

_ He isn't apart of my group, but rather he works closely with Master Mason. Who am I though but to save him for last. You'd love him mother, his name is Bala. He is wonderful...there are no words to describe him fully mother. He is kind, handsome, strong...all of it. He taught me how to defend myself, to stand up and protect what I love. I want to protect them all, mother. They've shown me what happiness is again, mother, and for that I can never repay them. _

_ Alas, time grows short, mother. I must go train with Bala soon. I wonder if he will bring his niece, Abigail, by to watch us spare. She is the cutest little girl...you'd enjoy having her help you bake, mother...though she has had a hard life from what comments I can gather...they all have really. I can sense the brokenness in this family, but I want to mend it...to fix what I can before...before whatever happens with Master Daemith happens. I know he will return for me again, Mother. When he does...I only hope I can protect everyone I love and cherish… _

_ With everlasting love, _

_ Your Son _

_ Keldar Dyrr _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keldar's second entry to his mother after the group sets out on their next mission.

_Dearest Mother,_

_Much time has passed since my last entry to you. I apologize, but much has happened and kept me quite busy in my travels. We are traveling to a city named Arrium. Bala tells me it is beautiful…in his words, ‘a true gem of the world’. He tells me we shall arrive in just a few days time. I should be excited, yet…our reason for going makes it difficult to be. We have to go before a council of Kings and Princes, mother. We must warn them of the danger we saw in our dreams. Oh how I worry mother…what if they don’t believe us? What if all goes wrong and we are divided? Bala and Master Mason say if that happens…that nothing good will come of it. I can only hope that they are not foolish enough to break apart now when a threat such as Exdeus exists. From the little they tell me, he is a terrible person…but he is Bala’s brother. Bala tells me the only way to stop him is to kill him, but I don’t believe that. I believe we can help him…change him perhaps. Maybe…maybe _ ** _he_ ** _ would know how. I know even thinking of that is a terrible thing. Genesis would gut me if I even spoke such words. Alas, I wonder how many options we have. _

_But I digress. I wish not to worry you too much mother, but as I adventure more and more, and I take missions, I know I will have to worry you sometimes. Prior to our departure for Arrium, we travelled to a vast…enchanting place. Have you heard of the Feywild, mother? By the Gods it is beautiful. You would have loved it…even though it is very dangerous. I’d never dare take you there, but I would bring you back the most beautiful flowers and mushrooms. Although breathtaking, it was scary…we almost _ <strike> _died_ </strike> _ got hurt, but we managed to live thanks to _ <strike> _Jonah_ </strike> _ someone. I don’t trust that…snake, but I am in debt to him for saving us. I can only hope I can manage to get him the information he requires of me. If not, I fear the outcome. He claims to have told me, but says my mortal mind cannot handle the horrors…so I cannot remember his words. Just that alone scares me, but I refuse to fail him mother. He saved me just as Master Mason did, so I shall complete his task. Even without the binding forcing it, I will do it. _

_Nothing particularly eventful has been happening with my party members, mother, except with Valphi. She is such a pleasant girl. If I were straight, I’d have considered courting her. She is such a bright light, mother, and very pleasant company. Although our conversation wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it was nice to finally talk with her. We both have our worries, but…I hope we can have some fun on our journey and explore Arrium. I just hope my appearance doesn’t limit me. However…Master Mason did give me a nice cloak…so I could perhaps disguise myself. Perhaps even try to be Valphi for a day…if…she doesn’t kill me with laughter for it. I hope I can find more of my kind here in the surface world…it…it gets lonely, mother. _

_Not much has happened with Whiff or Farfalla…well…except for Farfalla losing most of my trust after the stunt in the Fey world. That half-elf is going to get us all killed one day, I swear. I don’t trust him farther than I could throw him. I know something is going on with him and that patron of his…and when I find out there will be hell to pay. However…I will have to wait till then. After all, father always did say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And he did always say that information can be your biggest ally or your greatest enemy. I will have to do some research on him and see what I can dig up…perhaps Valphi can help me. I’ll owe her some drinks, but I’m certain I can convince her to lend me a hand. She doesn’t like Farfalla much either from what happened so…it can’t be too hard, can it?_

_Oh, we also have a new fellow amongst us. His name is…Leaf. You’d think he was training to be an assassin with me, mother. He hardly speaks a word. I know nothing about him, and Master Mason is no help in trying to learn more about him. All I know is he seems to have a past with nobles…much like the rest of us. I am curious as to how he ended up here…I can only wonder. Hopefully I can figure it out, or I can get him to talk…but I feel talking to Whiff would be easier…even if I struggle to understand him._

_I suppose the last thing I can talk about is that I finally was able to tell Bala how I felt, mother. He was surprisingly accepting…although it seems he is still getting used to what we have. Yet, he still trains me as hard as usual, and I am grateful he hasn’t gone soft on me just because of what we have. I really enjoy his company, and I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Though the others don’t know, and I wonder how they may react…I don’t care. I love Bala, and I am happy with him. Let them judge. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, and I refuse to let anything ruin that. Not Master Daemith, not _<strike>_Jonah_</strike> **_him_**_, not even Bala’s brother. I can’t wait till I am able to find you mother, you will love my friends and family…I want to stay with Rev, and I want you to be here with us. Till that day comes, please hang in there. I will help you soon…one day we will be together again. Well…I must go, it seems I need to help get one of the carriage wheels unstuck again. _

_With Everlasting Love_

_Your Son_

_Keldar Dyrr_


	3. Chapter 3

_ Dearest Mother, _

_ Much has...happened since my last entry to you. Much that is good and bad. Bala and I are...engaged, mother. I am going to give him my final binding and will be wedding him. I wish you could see mother...you'd find it lovely. You'd love the place and you would love meeting him. He is as charming as ever and utterly amazing. I love him so much, mother...he means everything to me. I cherish him deeply, and I cannot wait till this is all over so we may spend our lives together. _

_ However, not all is so peaceful and beautiful. Mason is no longer my Master, and he has been locked up. He is...a suspect of crimes, and I...I testified against him, mother. Mother...I feel I did this to him. I feel responsible, but...Farfalla and the others say it wasn't just me. I suppose it was collective, but…it still hurts. Also, he sent us on another mission. I protected everyone as I was told to, to look out for them. They're safe. It was a tough one, but we survived. We should have stayed fine and been a family still, but...alas, I find that it wasn't the case. _

_ I fought with Valphi, mother. It was over things that would frighten you, for such a deity I feel would give you nightmares. She nearly killed me, mother. Master Genesis, my new patron, saved my life, but...he couldn't save her. Valphi...is dead. Reborn as Rivari...a paladin seeking redemption for almost murdering me and for following that deity. For all the terrible things she tried and would have tried to do. _

_ These days following have been...tough. Bala tries his best to...get through to me, but...I cannot help but push him away. I have nightmares of what happened. Of the way she looked, of the pain...of my life being nearly taken. I was terrified...scared...and alone. I cannot help but realize how weak I am, mother. It makes me wonder if running was the right decision, mother. I love Bala, and I love my new family and friends, but...after what happened I am uncertain. _

_ I find it hard to sleep at night now, mother. I usually fein it till Bala rests, or I wake from a nightmare silently to stare at the ceiling. I wonder if I should have stayed with Master Daemith. His beatings and what he did was painful, but he never intended to kill me. My binding reminds me of him every day, and I wonder...if maybe I should return to him, mother. The bond between us calls for him, and I know he continues to search. I have...been wondering if I should just sneak away in the middle of the night to go find him again. I...want the solace of that safety he somewhat provided me...I don't want to fear for my life again, mother. To have to trust someone who wanted me dead. Should I return to him, I wonder… _

_ Then again, I would be leaving behind so much. I am truly in a fickle, mother. I suppose my next entry will let you know of my decision. We must travel to a place as a group...afterwards...I believe it will determine my decision. I hope to speak to you again in a better future, mother. May you be safe and loved always… _

_ With Everlasting Love, _

_ Your Son _

_ Keldar Dyrr _


	4. Chapter 4

_ Dearest Mother, _

_ It has...been a bit since I have written to you...and some things have occured. We are in Statera, home of Bala’s clan. It is...beautiful here, mother. Utterly beautiful. His clan’s home is well hidden and safe, and I trust he will protect me...even if ending up here was an accident. We...ended up here after a...mission. I’ll spare the details, but we got it done. D.W. is safe, and I am still alive. That’s what counts. Bala and I are married as well now...I am now Keldar Deusina. I am...happy, mother. Well...somewhat. I’ve learned much since I last wrote. _

_ Rev is...not exactly a guild? It is...a guild, but also a crime syndicate? I’m not sure anymore. I was...branded with their symbol. It hurt a lot, and I couldn’t help but remember Master Daemith, but I am...proud to have it. I feel I have found my family. However, my doubt lingers still. Another party member joined us...some Inferno guy. I don’t like him. He gets under my skin. He is...cocky. He reminds me of Master Daemith sometimes. It...bothers me.  _

_ Speaking of Master Daemith, he is near, mother. I am...uncertain if I am relieved or terrified. I was scared when I woke up and realized it. I was terrified of returning to him...and I still slightly am. However, I am somewhat...relieved. I am happy to know he is safe and perhaps...perhaps catching a glimpse is all I need to know he is fine. Yet, I worry my bond will make me return to him or search for him in the city. Bala says he will accompany me, but I do not wish to take him from his duties. Besides...he can’t always be there to protect me, and I know I will have to face Master Daemith eventually.  _

_ I am conflicted still, mother. Rivari and I are still not speaking much, and I am fine with that. I’d rather not have to and would rather her know I despise her. The others are doing well, but...I wonder if it is worth staying. I love Bala, I truly do. He is my husband and I would do anything to be with him, yet the magic...the bond...I wonder if I really wish to go to Master Daemith. If I really do have these doubts, or is the bond working against me? I don’t know anymore. I’m tired and I wish to finish this before Bala returns. I’d rather he not see my doubts I have. He’d be upset...and I hate seeing him that way.  _

_ He also told us something rather interesting. They found Bala’s brother; Exdeus. The man I have been searching for. The man I want to try to help. I know Bala finds it futile. That I am going to be grasping for something that isn’t there...I can try though, can’t I? I hope he isn’t fully gone, mother. I wish to help Bala. To get his brother back, but...I wonder if maybe it is too late. What am I thinking? I have to try. I will speak soon, mother. Whether I will be with Bala or with Master Daemith, I am uncertain. I can only wonder how the bond will have me react or how much I can control myself if Master Daemith...let’s not think of it. I am sure it will be fine. I have to go. _

_ With Everlasting Love, _

_ Your Son _

_ Keldar Deusina _


	5. Chapter 5

**TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Depression**

_Dearest Mother, _

_ It has been...a very long time since I have written to you. I know now the truth of your fate, and I honestly can never cease my lamenting. The wounds of knowing how alone and in pain you must have endured at the hands of my bastard of a father. I wish I had been there to ease your suffering...but alas...I wasn’t. Mother...I love you. I really do...and I always will. I will never let myself forget what you did for me. All the love you gave me and the life you gave me as well. I honestly never expected myself to pick up the pen again and write to you, but an old friend of mine told me that I should ‘...live for them...live for the ones that are not able to...keep their memory alive…’. So...that is what I shall do...it is...all I can do now even if I wish I didn’t have to. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I miss that old friend, Mother. He was taken too soon...far too soon. Mother a terrible, terrible thing befell Mason and he is no longer with us. I feel lost...so lost. I just want the pain to stop...the loss, but I cannot just yet. I have to take care of Bala, for Mason although he is gone now, he is not the only one who is the bearer of misfortune. Bala was injured quite badly. He no longer walks, Mother...he is unable, and I must care for him. I cannot leave him behind. It would be too much for him, and I’d be leaving him alone. I shall wait with him, Mother and care for him. I have nothing really left now. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ My daughter...I wish you knew her...she is leaving the home soon, and Abigail will be taking over the Clan soon. My friends have left me. Once Bala goes...I will have no one. Not even my Master...for even he has left me behind. I am scared for the day that Bala leaves me as well. Sylvie will have grown and had a family of her own hopefully by then and so will Abigail. I hope they find what I wanted all my life. All I wanted was freedom and happiness for us both, yet it seems all I have is freedom and pain. _

_ Had I known leaving Daemith would have ended this way...I would have endured the pain and false love he gave me. I’d rather have lived my life a slave than to have this. None of it was worth it, Mother. Finding Bala...spending the time I got to with Mason...having my former friends...none of it was worth it for it was all taken from me or will be eventually. Mason was my hope, mother...he was what I considered my closest family other than you or Bala, mother. Now he is gone...I will never hear his laughter or see his smile. He is gone. Just like all of them are. _

_ Mother, I wonder what the afterlife is like...if you and Mason are happy and no longer in pain. If it is anything like this life I have led, I will wish myself gone from existence...for I cannot endure more. I am broken...and I know Bala has noticed my change. I wonder how he feels...I just want him to be happy, even if it means lying to him about my own feelings. I only want him to be happy now...I just wonder if perhaps I am not the answer to that anymore. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I apologize for being so depressing, Mother. You don’t deserve to hear of my own pains. I am sorry for the tears that stain these pages and the smeared ink. I must digress...Bala is doing well I think. James made him a wheelchair so he can still get around. My half-brother, Ishval is helping train Sylvie so I may focus on helping Bala. I feel bad for throwing her on him, but he claims not to mind. He says she will be ready to leave soon. Once she is gone...it will be just Bala and I. Ishval plans to explore Arrium and stay close. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I have been...visiting a particular place in the forests recently when Bala doesn’t need my help. It is full of Chrysanthemums and it is...peaceful. I find myself going there whenever I can. It lets me think of the past and the future for what it holds is untold to me. They’re such pretty flowers, Mother...such pretty flowers. I...need to rest now. I am tired...so tired as of late. I wonder why...I shall sleep now...I love you, Mother. _

  
  


_ With Everlasting Love, _

_ Your Son _

_ Keldar Deusina _


End file.
